Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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