He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
