my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
