Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
