just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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