Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
