i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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