proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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