If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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