Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
