Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
