It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
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Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
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I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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