im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
