She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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