At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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