you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Still dying that you shit outside
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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