At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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