they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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