take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
