We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
