Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she smelled like a LAN party
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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