I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
