how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
