Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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