After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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