I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
