i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
