i need an iv and a liver transplant
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
