She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
