i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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