No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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