party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
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