there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
