..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
