just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
