I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Screwed.edu
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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