I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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