so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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