So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
