Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
