I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in