my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.