When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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