I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
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she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
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I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you