I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE