I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
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talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
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The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
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I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?