my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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