im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
