Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.