The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
