I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
