So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I want her autograph on my taint
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
