Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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