filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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