I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
they're like a gay fantastic four
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
