do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
