I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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