ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
