Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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