Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
